When does it stop

I wish he would just stop fucking asking me what is wrong. If I tell him I'm reprimanded. "You're not fat, stop talking like that" "its my fault, I don't show you enough that your beautiful" RIGHT! BC you were there when I was a child, right? When all this shit took over my mind. My soul. So that's right, blame yourself.

I ate today. A lot. Disgusting pig. A little fucking stress and anger and I turn to food. When I eat I'm in a trance. The taste, texture, smell. It takes me over. I travel to that world of euphoria. And then it hit me. I am a worthless coward who gave in. "NOTHING tastes as good as thin feels." NOTHING. God damnit.

I counted calories in my head X amount of calories consumed. 10 minutes between eating and vomiting. 4 water pills and 2 bottles of water. That sounded right.

Ugh. I'm fucking tired.

I sat in bed and whole heartedly contemplated ending it all today. My body was numb. I will never be good enough. For anyone. I'll never trust that someone could want to spend the rest of their life with me. I'm never be thin enough. I'll never be. Good enough mom, sister, daugter, wife. Life would go on for everyone. And the pain would be gone.

Deep breath..And go

So I did it. I finally took time out of my busy ass life to sit down and create a new blog. Or shall we call it a new escape, somewhere to throw all of the feelings i cant vocalize. yeah, thats it. Let me just put this out there. I need a place to speak realisticly, where i dont have to sugar coat my words or plaster a fake unwanted smile across my face. My words are going to be raw. real. unedited. Essentially, if you cant handle the truth then turn around and walk away now my friend.

its been one hell of a month. well, more like 6 months but, whatever. got a new job. working overnights at a gas station. I enjoy the people i come across, and I enjoy having a paycheck but i dont enjoy how the job has sucked all of the quality out of my life. I dont see my kids as often because im so tired during the day, its put one hell of a strain on my marriage bc i dont see my husband as often and due to lack of sleep ive become a crabby bitch that no one wants to be around. hmmph. despite having said new job finances still suck, I dont think we are ever going to catch up. and the main reason for me needing an outlet, the main reason for my emotional detatchment. the main reason for all of the tears I cry is ED. (**disclaimer, ed is an abbreviation for eating disorder. learn it. love it. im going to use it often.)

I originally met ed when I was 13. his most recent vacation lasted about 9 months. Bring back the stress, bring back the insecurity and its like ed subconciously hears my desperation and he comes home. my eyes fill with tears as im typing this. The son of a bitch causes me so much agony yet I cant live without him.

how could I? when 23.95 out of 24 hours in a day I am thinking about how much ive eaten and how much of that was thrown up. how many water pills have i taken? how much water have i drank. was it enough to rid my body of all of those water pills? or was it too much to make my fat ass bloat up and gain weight?

last night i had a dream. i dreamt i was in a dressing room full of clothes. everything I tried on was too small. i was too fat. arent we supposed to dream of what we want? yes. so I guess it was a nightmare. but its also reality. if i was standing in that dressing room right now those clothes would fit me the same way.

when I woke up it was yet another grim reminder of what reality has become. im starving. but I refuse to eat, i dont want to. (ok i WANT to, but I dont want the feeling of hate for myself after I eat) i keep having this sharp pain in my stomach and it donned on me, its hunger pain. and I like it. i love feeling empty.

so, ed, take my hand and keep me steady. keep me strong.