When does it stop

I wish he would just stop fucking asking me what is wrong. If I tell him I'm reprimanded. "You're not fat, stop talking like that" "its my fault, I don't show you enough that your beautiful" RIGHT! BC you were there when I was a child, right? When all this shit took over my mind. My soul. So that's right, blame yourself.

I ate today. A lot. Disgusting pig. A little fucking stress and anger and I turn to food. When I eat I'm in a trance. The taste, texture, smell. It takes me over. I travel to that world of euphoria. And then it hit me. I am a worthless coward who gave in. "NOTHING tastes as good as thin feels." NOTHING. God damnit.

I counted calories in my head X amount of calories consumed. 10 minutes between eating and vomiting. 4 water pills and 2 bottles of water. That sounded right.

Ugh. I'm fucking tired.

I sat in bed and whole heartedly contemplated ending it all today. My body was numb. I will never be good enough. For anyone. I'll never trust that someone could want to spend the rest of their life with me. I'm never be thin enough. I'll never be. Good enough mom, sister, daugter, wife. Life would go on for everyone. And the pain would be gone.